Tuesday, July 17, 2012

In the race of being everything else, I lost myself.

For my dad, I will be an IAS officer someday, for my mother I will be a more scuttle and calm person someday, for the world I will be someone who has total control on their anger, for the people around me i will be somebody else that they are pleased with. But, what the hell! In being all this I am not me.

Ever had a feeling that you don't belong somewhere. Somewhere, just that somewhere, people don't care about you. Somewhere you are just a last priority to the people around you. Somewhere you are not wanted. Somewhere you are seriously disliked. Just somewhere, that one place where you wanna run away from. Well, for me that place right now is my home.

How does it feel when you have been waiting for something for a long time, and people promise you with full conviction that it is going to happen, but, in the end it doesn't happen. I am going through that feeling, when you feel that the world has come to an end. When all you wanna do is cry for the wrong that has happened to you. When, I was young, they taught me promise breaker is a shoe maker. now, I know why there are so many shoe companies in the world. Because, nobody here believes in keeping a promise here. Promises are just a piece of shit for the people around us. I feel bad. Horrible. Sick. In tears.

Can there be a worse emotion? I am not me. I remember I used to be happy-go-lucky. Always smiling. Like nothing in the world could make me sad. But now, when I look into the mirror, I feel so ditched. I feel as though I am not the same person anymore. I feel like a disgusting human. Remember, I wrote about optimism a few days ago, well its not me anymore. I'm a pessimist. And, I am gonna remain one, I guess. Why don't all people come with a warning attached of their behaviors in our life! Why are some people different from others! Why?

I know this piece of writing means nothing. But, right now what I feel is so inexpressible that I just can't tell. I know I am behaving like a lousy loser. But, we all have the right to feel like losers at some point of time? don't we? Sometimes, all we want is a person. Somebody to talk to. Someone who understands us. Someone who can take all that shit.

I thought I was all I needed. When, I was upset, I was all I needed. And, now it seems like i need everybody save me. Help me!

I don't wanna loose the most beautiful thing in myself  i.e. Me.

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